IN LOCO PARENTIS

I have avoided getting emotionally attached to kids per se. I keep them at a distance and get annoyed if they behave ....well, as kids normally do. I expect them to be this disciplined,well behaved, polite sweethearts rather than the unruly tantrum throwing running about breaking things kind. My "best half" is more considerate than I.

Blessed with a lot of good friends who are like family, I find myself spending time with their kids. A sweet gesture by a good friend moved me emotionally, once I had casually told my friend, wish I had someone to call me mummy and he remembered and made sure that his daughter addressed us as Sangu mummy and Suju papa, Sweet Sia is indeed a daughter to us. I proudly have her love note stuck on my refrigerator. Another friend's daughter Meghana drew her family picture, a stick figure drawing and added us to her family as well. Me with my hair sprung in all directions just like how I sported my hair then, after a haircut debacle. I was overwhelmed at her loving gesture and my eyes moistened in gratitude. There's this boy Adhyantha with whom I share my birthday, who loves telling me the happenings in his school, about his friends and sometimes secrets too...he would swear me to secrecy. I  have noticed that he would himself tell his parents the so called secrets and wink at me. One time he informed me of a class test and didn't bother to inform his mom who obviously didn't help him prepare. Next day his mom became furious and asked him who his mom was -I or her! Then there's this super smart Parikshit - the story teller, enchanting me with his imaginary tales. I noticed once he was uncharacteristically silent and on asking, said he was thinking of a new story. He taught me to play chess, rather his own version of chess and when I beat him at it proclaimed me the "champion".

Hah maybe I do love kids!

 Although I try to keep them at bay the kids look at me as their peer (the short stature helps) and play and fight with me. The best half has tried to get me to behave like an adult but I fail at it every time. I am irascible around fractious children. I sometimes have to sidle past their defenses and make them like me.
My own kids have not been around me for long enough to teach me to be a parent, so I never learnt it. I was wondering what made me the way I am - nothing to do with the spiritual angle just plain me trying to unravel my feelings towards children and theirs towards me!

An incident pops to my mind .
We were at our friends for lunch and totally relaxed.  In the middle of the conversation I was totally feeling at home and lying on the floor (heavy lunch) with a pillow to support my head and suddenly my friend's daughter, a baby of just 2 years, came over and climbed on my stomach and rested her head on my chest. I was confused at her behaviour, so were my friends but we let her be. After a while the baby was sobbing in a feeble voice. My friend rushed over to lift the baby, she refused to be lifted and continued the sobs. We watched helplessly, and then, she composed herself and got up and went to her mother. I was so emotionally moved and felt as if the child could really feel the pain in my heart. The sorrow of a mother who never had the opportunity of snuggling her own child to her bosom and as if she wanted to give me the experience that I had always longed for. She soaked up my ache, the sadness.
I have never allowed another baby after her to affect me emotionally and have created this wall in my heart .
Thank you Fiona for understanding my pain.

Many years have passed by... I am in my 40s and nowadays happen to spend some time with my friends baby boy. I am awed by the way he is growing inch by inch, from 4 months to 8 months now. The wavering eye now looking steady at me ,the smile of recognition, his coos of excitement, the kicks, the giggles adorable with the toothless gums, then one by one the teething process, effort to crawl (pleasure to watch) and his cry for attention. How he enjoys my blabberings in malayalam and my tuneless singing. On certain days he refuses eye contact and looks beyond me much to my consternation. I google about a baby's growth chart and I am thrilled with his developments. I call him my caterpillar and am surprised that I have mastered the art of carrying and putting a baby to sleep.He trusts me completely and I have never known the  responsibility of a baby who totally depended on me. When I carried him on my shoulders, he hugged me and as our heartbeats resonated, the wall that I carefully built crumbled and tears flowed. My friend hugged me and the 3 of us sat in silence. 
 I tell the husband stories of Ruaansh and his activities and smile at his concerned face and tell him not to worry...I no longer feel the longing of a mother. Just enjoying the baby as a newly found enchantment that keeps me amazed. 
Who am I fooling!!