DADDY DEAREST

It's fathers day and the media is spewing forth ideas of gifts for the fathers, articles about the role of a father in the life of their children as opposed to that of a mother. Some new dad is talking about the sense of inadequacy in the changing world. What is expected of a father? I can tell you as a daughter who just lost her father recently - it's something no one else other than your own can perform in as the BEST. 

I miss my dad everyday, each moment....a  song , a smell, the way I sit on the chair just like he used to, everything and anything reminds me of him. Daughters are precious to their dads and I, a single child was pampered and protected so much that many of my friends have said they hope they can be a dad like him if they have a daughter. They are all dads of their princesses now trying to emulate my dad.

I  can still hear my dad's voice, calling me his tiny girl, his life. I used to laugh at him and say I am so fat and round and you still call me your tiny girl.  The way he prays with open palms after his bath and comes hurriedly to plant a kiss on my forehead to transfer all the goodness and effect of his prayers on to me. I can feel the imprint of his cold lips from the bath on my forehead . How he knew when I needed him to lift something, climb up the ladder to reach the books in the loft, to open a tight jar in the kitchen, to accompany me to the temple - I just had to think and he would be there for me, with me, never tired ...always smiling. 


Things changed when he fell sick. It was role reversal , I had to be there for him, help him walk , read the newspaper to him, play his favourite songs and enjoy his enthusiasm when he sang along making up the lyrics and tune. I was his source of strength, he held on to me when he went through pain and assured me he'll  be fine soon . I had to pretend to be strong for him.From daughter I became his mother.

I continue to talk to my dad, share jokes with him, play his favourite songs and cry myself to sleep, wake up with a feeling of helplessness. 

Fools believe that time is a great healer. 

I did have my share of arguments and fights with him and wish I had been a better daughter .I imagine his life in heaven, making merry with his family and friends who reached there before him. It's weird to see him as a photo along with the Gods but then,I have my own personal God who will look over me. 

Achha ( dad in malayalam) protected me and protects me forever.